Kevin J. Begley

Attorney at Law


"Justice, the guardian of liberty"

Kevin J. Begley
Attorney at Law
3010 Bordentown Avenue
Suite 100
Parlin, NJ 08859
TEL: 732-525-8200
FAX: 732-525-8120


Real (Strange) Sex Laws
They're surprising. They're baffling. And, often, they're downright stupid. These laws about sex and sexuality defy explanation.

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.

"Female breasts," according to the Arizona Supreme Court, don't constitute "private parts" under state law.

The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

The T'ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals.

In London, it's illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle.

There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.

In 100 A.D., the Teutons, an Germanic tribe, would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement.

The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman's husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.

The Romans would crush a first-time rapist's gonads between two stones.

In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.

The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.

In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans."

Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the thinking being that without a nose, it would be harder to find someone to share in her adulterous ways.

In Krakow, Poland it's not only a crime to have sex with animals, but three-time offenders are shot in the head.

Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex.

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception—prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort when their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.

In Alabama, it's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."

In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.

It's illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job it is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Why? Under the law in Guam, it is forbidden for virgins to marry.

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover may be killed in any manner desired.

An 18th century French prostitute could be spared punishment if she were willing to join the opera.

In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Specifically, "The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for the purpose of sexual gratification."

During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you'd be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.

As recently as 1990, these states had laws against heterosexual fellatio, cunnilingus, anal sex and the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C.

In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse with a live fish.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

An excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Michigan a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

It is illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is expressly forbidden.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England—but only in tropical fish stores.

In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and or anal sex and is considered sodomy. The same law does not apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.

In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal.

Anywhere in the U.S., it's illegal to use any live endangered species (except for insects) in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex.

In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night).

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

Sodomy laws have been repealed—or are ignored—in most states, but not Georgia, where a man was sentenced not long ago to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home. His predicament has apparently been a source of considerable amusement to other inmates.

An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman's written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you—or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown—if they're nude.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job—for men only—called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Comer, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio—a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

Liquor and sex always seem to go together, even in the writing of laws. Maryland prohibits the selling of condoms through vending machines in gas stations and stores—with one major exception. Prophylactics may be dispensed by a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Vending-machine condom sales, on the other hand, are banned in such states as Hawaii, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. Yes, you may purchase a pack of gum, a candy bar, some potato chips, or a soft drink from a vending machine—but, alas, absolutely no condoms!

And in Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places." No, not even physicians! Anyone who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."

No one may purchase a package of condoms at a corner drugstore anywhere in Nebraska. Only physicians can sell them while practicing medicine. In Arkansas, condoms can be sold only by physicians and other medical practitioners. Delaware allows the sale of condoms only by doctors and wholesale druggists.

Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers. Maine, on the other hand, licenses condom sellers, and the license must always be on public display.

Nevada, with 35 legal bordellos, has no condom problem; the law there requires that condoms be made readily available at each brothel. The use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory.

Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students" in the ludicrous legislation, is prosecuted as a felony. This statute apparently applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students.

Authorities in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, passed a special piece of legislation governing sexual activities in the toll-collection booths on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. The law, which pertains only to female toll collectors, prohibits them from engaging in sex with a truck driver in the confines of a booth. Any woman violating this law will be fired for "behavior unbecoming an employee." (If for any reason the transgressor is later reinstated, she won't be allowed back pay.)

Clinton, Oklahoma, is apparently a community with unusually high moral standards. The city fathers have banned local men from masturbating while observing a couple making love in the back seat of a parked car in a drive-in theater. Such a peeper can be fined and jailed for "molesting a vehicle."

North Carolina has a law on the books against "Peeping Toms," but the legislation is somewhat biased! It's illegal in that state for a man to peep through a window at a woman—yet it's not against the law for a woman to peep into a room occupied by a man. (Nor is it a violation of the law if a man peeps at another man!)

Until the law was repealed in 1975, California husbands and wives could both get a 15-year penitentiary term for engaging in certain sexual practices. They were specifically prohibited from engaging in any oral activities, even in the privacy of their own bedroom.

Try to avoid going through Skullbone, Tennessee, if you desire a little sex while driving. The law there bans a woman from "pleasuring a man" while he is sitting behind the wheel of any moving vehicle. Any man stopped and found with the front of his pants undone can be fined a minimum of $50 and serve thirty days in jail.

Married, yet want to mess around a little on the side? If so, be careful where you decide to play. In California, adultery is punishable by a $1,000 fine and/or one year in prison. But adultery in Arkansas is much cheaper—offenders are fined a mere $20 to $100.

If you live in Michigan and feel an uncontrollable desire to have a fulfilling physical encounter with someone of the opposite sex, please restrain yourself! Take a trip to Texas or Virginia before succumbing to your sensual desires. Why? Because single guys and gals who are caught in the act in Michigan can be fined as much as $5,000, and they could be sentenced to as many as five years in prison. Single adults in Texas who are apprehended while having sex are charged with a misdemeanor and given a $500 fine. On the other hand, singles in Virginia who get caught spend no time in jail, and the fine is a paltry $20 to $100, according to the court's judgment.

Branchville, South Carolina, retains a wonderful old piece of loony legalese covering those who "lewdly and lasciviously associate, bed, and cohabit together, in a public or non-public place." The amorous couple can be punished with a $500 fine and as much as a six-month prison term.

Single folks have it relatively easy in Rhode Island. This state still prohibits unmarried people from partaking of bedroom activities under any circumstances. However, if caught, the lovers are both fined $10.

Unmarried adults in Arizona who decide to fool around a little are committing a serious felony. Anyone single, man or woman, caught having sex can be sent to the penitentiary for three full years.

Many variations of sexual fun and games have apparently been a popular pastime in societies throughout history. Ancient Roman art regularly depicts quite a number of these activities. So does the art of bygone Greece. Drawings by the ancient Egyptians include the same things. It's found even in paintings done by prehistoric cave dwellers. Despite such artistic license, many of the United States still punish certain bedroom antics rather severely. For example, South Dakota (Compiled Laws 22-22-21) threatens a ten-year prison term for "copulation by means of mouth." Utah (Code 76-53-22) has made this same act a misdemeanor; there, oral sex brings a six-month jail term and a $299 fine. Rhode Island (General Laws 11-10-1) labels it an "'abominable, detestable crime against nature," and such activity brings a seven-to-ten-year stretch in the penitentiary. It is outlawed in New Mexico (Statutes 40-A-9-6), where participation is punishable by a $5,000 fine and a two-to-ten-year sentence. Florida (Statutes 800.01) chastises with a twenty-year prison sentence those who take part in this act.

Men can still be arrested and punished for the crime of "patronizing a prostitute." This is the law in such places as New York, Kansas, Illinois, and Connecticut—which gives a "john" three years in prison. Go to Kansas if you really must do business with a hooker. It's only one month in jail and a $500 fine for anyone who gets caught. Better yet, visit Nevada, where prostitution is legal. (The state actually has had within its borders an organization called the Nevada Brothel Association!)

A gentleman can be incarcerated for from one to ten years in an Arizona or Washington, D.C., prison for causing his wife to be a prostitute." A man can also get ten years in Arkansas and twenty years in Maine and Michigan for placing" his spouse in a brothel. And in Missouri it's a "high misdemeanor" for a fellow to "force" his wife to sell sexual services on the streets.

Don't import an Asian woman and make her a prostitute in California. If you're caught, you could get a year in prison and a $500 fine.

Buckfield, Maine, has a rather unusual law regarding cab drivers and sex. The legislation declares that no taxi driver "will be allowed" to charge a fare to any passenger who gives him sexual favors" in return for a ride home from a nightclub or other "establishment which serves alcoholic beverages," or any "place of business" selling liquor.

Carlsbad, New Mexico, retains a law making it illegal under certain conditions for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work. The car or van must have tightly drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking inside while the activity is taking place.

It's against the law in Beanville, Vermont, for a road map to be printed and sold or given away if it contains advertising of a "lewd or lascivious nature." The ban specifically includes ads for massage parlors and hot tubs, as both are believed to be of a "sensual bent."

An old law in Cattle Creek, Colorado bans a man or his wife from making love while bathing "in any lake, river or stream." In other words, anyone who wants to fool around while bathing must do so in a tub, or not at all.

It's against the law to make love to a virgin, whatever the circumstances, anywhere in the state of Washington. According to the wording of the legislation, it's a major crime even to marry and then spend the night with a virgin bride in this enlightened area of the nation. Washington's unique legislation reads: "Every person who shall seduce and have sexual intercourse with any female of previously chaste character shall be punished by imprisonment in the state penitentiary for not more than five (5) years or in the county jail for not more than one (1) year or by a fine of $1000 or by both fine and imprisonment."

Anniston, Alabama, certainly isn't paradise for a liberated woman who might enjoy making love in a pool hall. An old ordinance bans women from using promises of certain physical activities to pay off a bet on a match they are playing. Nor may they initiate sex while hanging around a pool hall.

Women who go out on the streets alone at night in Kansas City, Kansas, can be arrested under an obscure 1901 city ordinance. Any unattended females can be picked up by the police if they are "in the streets or any public place without lawful business and without giving a good accounting of themselves."

The law in Cottonwood, Arizona, says nothing about a couple making love in a car with a flat tire. But lawmakers there did ban people from doing this while inside an automobile with "flat wheels." If the vehicle with flat wheels is parked, and you're caught making love in the front seat, it's a $25 fine. But if you're caught playing around while in the back seat, the fine is doubled if your offense is making love while driving such a flat-wheeled vehicle, the fine jumps to $100 for the first offense and $150 for all offenses thereafter. (No one has yet been able to define "flat wheels" correctly.)

There's an odd law governing beds in all Sioux Falls, South Dakota, hotels. Every room is required to have twin beds. And these twin beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds.

Connecticut still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults." This odd law makes absolutely no distinction between married and single couples. Is such a law an indication that Connecticut citizens should "do their thing" in public?

The Louisiana House of Representatives believes in keeping up with the times. It hurriedly approved a unique anti-streaking law; under it, streakers can be sentenced to five years in the state penitentiary and given a $2,000 fine for streaking "while intending to arouse the desires of minors." Streaking with only the "intent of arousing sexual desire" brings a violator a $100 fine and one year in prison. If it can be proven beyond doubt to the court that the streaker had "no lascivious intent," no fine or jail term is imposed.

Buggery in Nebraska (Revised Statutes 28-919) is never to be treated lightly! So-called buggery, or anal copulation, can bring a whopping twenty years in the penitentiary. And buggery in Pennsylvania (Statute 4501) is deadly serious as well. It can bring transgressors a $5,000 fine and ten years at hard labor.

South Carolina's Code of Laws 16-412 includes "the abominable crime of buggery." A $500 fine and five years in prison are the punishment. Buggery in Maryland (Code Sections 553 and 554) brings a one- to ten-year prison term. Kansas (Statute 21-3505) treats buggery more lightly. Anyone in Kansas caught engaging in this activity draws a maximum sentence of six months in jail.

Indiana and Wyoming both have laws against anyone's enticing, alluring, instigating, or helping a person under twenty-one to masturbate. This activity is known in legal circles as an act of "self pollution."

Five years in prison for masturbation? Yes! Michigan law prescribes such a stringent sentence for a man who engages "in acts of gross indecency, either in public or private." This includes mutual masturbation by two men or the simple act of solitary masturbation.

New Jersey law threatens men with a three-year sentence for "mutual masturbation." The law covers anyone "who, in private, is a party to an act of lewdness or sexual indecency with another."

No one may have sex while riding in the sidecar of a motorcycle in Norfolk, Virginia, where an old ordinance outlaws anyone from doing so while cruising down a city street. Such activity is considered to be a "licentious sexual act."

When traveling, if you decide to stop overnight in Hastings, Nebraska, be aware of this loony sex law: The owner of every hotel is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No male and female—even if they are married—may sleep together in the nude. Nor may any sexual activity be undertaken except while the couple is attired in one of these plain white cotton nightshirts.

Procuring or employing an Alabama girl from 10 to 18 years old for prostitution brings a relatively mild $300 to $500 fine and six months in jail. What about a little girl in Alabama under 10 years of age?

And finally, South Dakota takes a back seat to no one when it comes to retaining interesting old laws. Prostitutes there are still prohibited from plying their trade out of a covered wagon.

It's "an excusable act of passion" in Colombia, South America, for a man to murder his wayward wife when he finds the woman in bed with her lover. If the husband "personally witnesses the corrupt sexual activity," he's allowed to shoot his unfaithful spouse. Such adultery-related homicides aren't even prosecuted.

Censorship laws in Brazil are strict. Explicit guidelines govern pornography. No newspaper, magazine, or book is allowed to discuss any aspect of homosexuality. Pictures of nude couples can't be included in any publication. No photographs even "suggesting" sexual activity are allowed. Pictures of babies being delivered are also taboo. Banned, too, are photos of women attired in bikinis or short-shorts. And no more than one bare female breast may legally be shown on any given page of a newspaper, magazine, book, or other publication.

The use of chili sauce and similar hot spices on jail and prison food is outlawed in Peru. An edict was handed down by the Interior Minister because these items were claimed to "have aphrodisiac qualities" and would "arouse sexual desires." This bureaucrat deemed chili sauce and other spices to be "not appropriate for men who are forced to live a limited life style."

Don't try to fool around while skinny-dipping anywhere near Georgetown, Guyana. Getting caught while bathing in the nude is punishable with a coat of fresh paint! The bathers are then taken to the outskirts of Georgetown and left to fend for themselves. The law is even tougher in its effort to discourage people from having sex while skinny-dipping. The lovers are first given a coat of paint; then, both parties "will be attached to an ass and taken on a tour of the village." Finally, they'll be dropped at the edge of town and told in no uncertain terms to not bother coming back.

Sodomy has long been a serious offense in Peru. A person who has engaged in it is first dragged through the streets on a rope. Hanging comes next! Finally, the corpse is burned while fully clothed. This symbolizes the sodomite's total destruction.

Cautin Province in Chile has an edict banning the hanging on the walls of Playboy centerfolds and other sexy pinups in any home or public building. The reason according to this decree? "It's more worthwhile to admire a good landscape than a photograph of a naked woman."

In Paramaribo, Suriname, a man who rapes a single woman won't be punished—if the rape victim agrees to marry her attacker.

Featherbeds were long ago outlawed in Buenos Aires, Argentina because "such an indulgence induces and encourages lascivious feelings."

The alpaca (a variety of llama) appears to be the most popular four-legged bedmate for many single Peruvian guys. So prevalent, apparently, is this sexual deviance that an old law still outlaws the activity. Unmarried young men are prohibited from even having a female alpaca live in their homes or apartments.

The law in Guatemala pulls no punches in dealing with single women who have been accused of illicit lovemaking. Supposed female "fornicators," when seen in the streets, are to be stopped, spat upon, and beaten by the citizens of the community! Single men aren't punished at all when they've been caught in the act.

It's against the law in Belize for any man to have sex with or marry his own aunt. Masked vigilantes are allowed to take the law into their own hands and severely punish the lawbreaker, who is tied to a tree and then flogged.

Passionate kissing in public places has been outlawed in Sorocaba, Brazil. The specific kind of kiss that was banned was "the cinematographic kiss, in which salivas mix to swell the sensuality."

Panama doesn't mess around when it comes to homosexuals and homosexuality. The law declares: "If any one of these males who commit this vile practice against nature with other males, he shall be degraded, and shall remain in perpetual exile." The penalty meted out for homosexual behavior is castration. The law also covers people who aren't homosexual themselves but associate with homosexuals. "Guilt by association" brings a penalty of a shaven head, one hundred lashes, and banishment.

The law in Honduras doesn't prohibit homosexuality, yet neither does it condone the practice. Sodomy, however, is strictly banned regardless of whether it's homosexual or heterosexual.

A man in Matagalpa, Nicaragua, is required by law to divorce his wife as soon as he discovers that she's committed adultery. He's in serious trouble should he fail to do so; the hapless husband may then be prosecuted for his unwillingness to take the proper and necessary course of action. A wife, on the other hand, is not permitted to divorce her husband when he's caught in bed with another woman. Such things are simply to be expected when it comes to men, says the law.

Peru still keeps on the books an old piece of legislation that dates all the way back to 1583. Passed by the Third Provisional Council of Lima, it states, "If there is anyone among you who commits sodomy, sinning with another man, or with a boy, or with a beast ... Let it be known that it carries the death penalty."

In Uruguay, a husband who catches his spouse in bed with another man is given an option under the current law. He has the right to kill both the wayward wife and her lover—or he can choose to slice off his wife's nose and castrate her lover!

It's a violation of the law in Valparaiso, Chile, for any man to marry a certain kind of woman—he must never take for his bride a woman who has committed adultery. Such a woman is to be condemned forever.

A married woman in La Paz, Bolivia, is not allowed to drink more than a tiny bit of wine. One who does is considered by law to be morally and sexually lax, and her husband may divorce her for one sip too many.

A married woman in Venezuela may be accused of committing adultery, but a simple unsubstantiated accusation isn't enough to merit her punishment. All the woman has to do is "swear" her innocence and she's cleared of all charges.

Masturbation is outlawed in French Guiana because of the "danger it presents to the masturbator." The law notes that such a physical act "is recognized as a common cause of insanity." Ridiculous? Well, it wasn't but a few years ago that young people in the United States were taught that masturbation would make them go blind!

El Salvador certainly isn't the best place for a married woman to have a fling. Any "married woman who lies with the male who is not her husband" can get a six-year prison term and a $30 fine. The amount of the fine is awarded to the woman's husband as his indemnity!

A husband in Honduras is guilty of adultery only when he has a mistress and when he "keeps her in a notorious manner."

A person can be arrested in San Jose, Costa Rica, for "keeping a common bawdy house." Or he or she may be charged with "keeping a place...for the practice of indecency."

A woman can legally be a prostitute in Santa Cruz, Bolivia. But it's against the law for a prostitute to solicit customers on the streets or in other public places.

Having sex with a relative is a serious infraction in Santa Ana, El Salvador. Anyone who violates this law is punished either by exile or by hanging. (The choice isn't left up to the lawbreaker.)

In Limon, Costa Rica, both parties in an adulterous relationship are in for real trouble: Each person is subject to being beaten and drowned in punishment for their deed.

The law among the Tupies of Brazil stipulates that once a woman is married, she's required to be faithful. The same standard doesn't apply to the husband. He's allowed to have as many mistresses as he can afford to keep.

Adultery isn't always a crime in Caracas, Venezuela. It depends on how long a couple has been married. Anyone, male or female, can play around and not be prosecuted, so long as they've been married for fewer than twelve months. After one full year of marital bliss, the same sexual activities become serious criminal offenses.

Young women in Bogoti, Colombia, are not permitted to be out alone on the streets after the sun goes down. Why? Because other people might think that they are prostitutes. The law allows the police to arrest such suspects.

A widow in Paramaribo, Suriname, who plans to remarry is required by law to first make love with a man. The statute even specifies who should be her bed partner: a member of her deceased husband's immediate family.

The law in Montevideo, Uruguay, bans a man from making love to his wife during her menstrual period. Nor is he allowed even to touch her between the waist and the knees. Anyone who violates this law is fined and publicly administered 200 lashes.

Personal revenge is allowed by law in Paraguari, Paraguay, when a man catches his wife in bed with someone else. He's permitted to kill his wife's lover, and his adulterous spouse, on the spot. But the wronged husband must take immediate action to be considered guiltless under this law—he isn't allowed to wait and do it later. On the other hand, a wife who catches her mate in bed with a lover is not entitled to any of these privileges.

The law in Durango, Mexico, governs when a couple may have sex after the woman's period begins. Five days must be allowed from the start of the menstrual flow. Seven more days must pass for "purification." A husband must not touch his wife in any manner with his hands. Then, after these twelve days have passed, the woman must bathe. Only then can the couple make love. Anyone caught violating this old law could receive the death penalty!

A bride in Ecuador had better be prepared for her wedding night. According to the law, the girl can be returned to her parents if her new husband determines that she is not a virgin.

When a bride is deflowered in Cali, Colombia, the law says, it must be done by the husband while making love. And this initial lovemaking must take place while the bride's mother sits close by and witnesses the activity.

Promiscuity isn't illegal in Valencia, Venezuela, so long as it's kept within certain specified boundaries. The single man or woman, says the law, shouldn't ever have sex with anyone who's deformed or who is known to be an "idiot."

Single women in Costa Rica are banned from all forms of sex. Activities specifically prohibited by the law include prostitution, fornication, and "any kind of lewd activities or behavior" with a man.

A law found in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, won't allow a man of any age to engage in sex with certain relatives and other people. Specific taboo relatives include the man's mother and his mother's sister. Nor may he have a sexual relationship with an unrelated woman and her daughter at the same time.

The Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini was apparently a man much obsessed with unique sexual legislation especially the more loony kind. He dreamed up quite a number of oddball laws with which he could further subjugate his fellow Iranians. According to one of the great Ayatollah's decrees, lovemaking during times of fasting was illegal in Iran. His edict read: "Coitus invalidates the fast, even if the penis has penetrated the vagina only as far as the circumcision scar, and even if ejaculation does not occur. If the penis does not penetrate up to the circumcision scar, and no ejaculation takes place, the fast is valid. If a man cannot determine with certainty to what length his penis has penetrated the vagina, even if he has gone past the circumcision scar, the fast is nonetheless valid.

Lawmakers in Jordan have legislated what they consider to be the most desirable amount of sexual activity between married couples. A husband, they order, is to make love "with the wife at least once every four months."

In Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, the police can arrest a person for "committing an action that would be harmful to the general public." This might be the official charge for something as harmless as kissing a woman on her cheek in a public place. The penalty is ten days in jail for both the kisser and the kissee. The action could even be adultery! And adultery in Abu Dhabi is punishable by death. It's all according to who makes the arrest and what the arresting officer happens to write down at the time.

Conviction of adultery in an Islamic court depends entirely on the testimony of four male witnesses or eight female witnesses. Or an accused woman can condemn herself. All she must do is stand and admit three times that she actually committed the criminal act!

Saudi Arabia treats adulterers with firmness. Both of the guilty parties are quickly picked up by the authorities. They are securely tied in a cloth sack and stoned to death. Or the penalty for adultery might be somewhat more humane, according to the way the Saudis look at things. The guilty woman may be shot in front of her illicit lover, who is then publicly beheaded.

"Sperm is always impure," decreed the Ayatollah Khomeini, "whether it comes from coitus or from involuntary emissions while asleep." Therefore, Iranians are forced by law to go through ablution—or the ritualistic washing away of impurities as in a religious rite—after being involved in certain kinds of sexual activities. (Ablution isn't necessary, however, if the sperm stays inside the woman's vagina after lovemaking is completed.)

According to Iranian law, a man is required to perform his ablutions if he ejaculates while having sexual relations with an animal.

Citizens of most Middle Eastern countries are forbidden to eat lamb under certain circumstances covered by Islamic law. The law reads, "After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh." In Oman, if a man has sex with a camel, a cow, or a ewe, the law says that the animal's milk becomes impure and is no longer suitable for human consumption. Oman law requires that the animal must immediately be killed and then burned! The person who sodomized the beast is required to pay its owner the dead animal's full market value.

In Lebanon, only men are legally allowed to have sex with animals. But the gender of the animal is important—it must always be female. A man's having sexual relations with a male animal is considered a mortal sin and brings a death penalty for those who get caught.

Also according to Lebanese law, a woman must be executed for fornicating with any animal—wild or domesticated.

And to end this treatise on animals and sex, the law in Iran actually suggests that sex play by their male population "with wild animals is not recommended, especially with a lioness." What is recommended instead is coitus with domesticated animals such as dogs, cats, donkeys, lambs and, yes, of all things—pigeons.

Sodomy is also commonplace in parts of the Middle East. Again, special legislation can be found in Iran to cover this form of sexual activity. The law declares that if a man's penis fully penetrates another man's anus, ablution is also a necessity, but this time for both parties to the sex act.

Kuwait covers all the bases when it comes to sexual feelings. It's illegal there for a married man to glance at another woman "in a sensual manner." Nor can any male, married or single, lustfully look at a statue of a female or at a female animal.

In Syria, a man is forbidden to "look at the body of a woman who is not his wife under any circumstances. It is also forbidden for a woman to look at the body of a man who is not her husband. It is forbidden to look at the genitals of others, even in the mirror or in a pool's reflection."

According to Iranian law, Islamic religious laws "must be obeyed and carried out by all—without exception and without argument. There is no other right, no other duty but obedience." This Middle Eastern country's Retribution Bill details the punishments for sex-related crimes such as fornication, homosexual activity, prostitution, and being a pimp. Each of these is punishable by death. Public morality is strictly enforced. Any man or woman even accused of adultery is shot.

Prostitution is a serious criminal offense in Yemen. Transgressors are simply rounded up and publicly beheaded.

No type of contraceptive may be brought into Saudi Arabia under any circumstances. The passage of legislation banning contraceptives quickly followed a World Moslem League ruling that "birth control was invented by the enemies of Islam." Anyone caught smuggling condoms, other contraceptive devices, or birth-control pills into the country is punished with a term of six months in prison.

Even physicians are thoroughly covered by Middle Eastern law when it comes to checking a woman's pubic area. Lawmakers in Bahrain have decreed that a male doctor can legally examine a woman's genitals. But any examination must be done indirectly. Says the law, "If a doctor must touch a woman's genitalia for medical reasons, he must not look directly at her genitals. He may do this only by seeing their reflection in a mirror."

Egypt has an unusual piece of legislation that prohibits a woman from belly dancing unless her navel is covered with gauze. Technically, according to this law, a female in Egypt may dance in public while wearing absolutely nothing more than a piece of gauze on her belly button.

Colonel Muammar el Qaddafi's Libya has a scale of prices to be paid for prospective wives by eligible single men. They must be willing to pay the equivalent of as much as $35,000, a handful of gold coins, one healthy camel, and a number of sheep. All of these things go to the bride-to-be's father. Many Libyan males who can't afford these prices travel to Egypt and Tunisia, where a wife can be had for around $200.

The law in Doha, Qatar, requires that if a naked Muslim woman is surprised by a man while bathing or dressing, she must first cover her face, not her body.

In King Ibn Saud's Saudi Arabia, rapists are held in jail until Friday of each week (Friday in Saudi Arabia is the Sabbath). They are then taken from the jail and dragged to the town square. Each rapist is unceremoniously beheaded right after the midday prayers are concluded.

No unmarried woman in Qatar is allowed to give birth. Such a woman is banned from using any hospital in the region. Nor can she receive any kind of medical assistance. A pregnant female who happens to be single must either flee the country or do the best she can by going it alone.

A rigorous code of Muslim sexual behavior was passed down by Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini. His followers in Iran and throughout the Middle East uphold these as holy laws to be applied sternly. They are to be obeyed and are not subject to change. Here are a number of Khomeini's most unusual sex-related laws.

What does a person who isn't able to hide his or her genitals with "anything in particular when undressed" do? The hand is a suitable covering, according to the law.

Eating the meat of donkeys, horses, or mules is against the law if the animal when alive was sodomized by a Muslim man. If this transpired, the animal must immediately "be taken outside the city and sold."

A man who perspires when he ejaculates doesn't have to worry according to Muslim law. His sweat isn't impure, but he's not allowed to pray so long as his clothing or body are still sweaty.

What must a Muslim man do who makes love to his wife when he should be abstaining? The fellow is required to avoid praying so long as he feels or looks as if he is still sweating from the illicit activity.

The law clearly states that a Muslim man can't marry a woman who was breast-fed as a baby by his grandmother or his mother.

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. The person undertaking the cleansing ritual commits a serious violation of the law if he or she sneaks a peek. The sex organs of a dead person must always be covered with a brick or a piece of wood during the ritual.

A Muslim man who makes love to his aunt isn't allowed to marry her daughters, his first cousins. But a man who marries his first cousin and then commits adultery with her mother can't get an annulment.

A Muslim man who gets married and then makes love to his wife is somewhat restrained insofar as his future sex life. He is strictly prohibited from making love to his wife's daughter or granddaughter, even if they are hers by a previous marriage.

Muslim males are also banned from marrying their own mother, sister, stepmother, or mother-in-law. Nor may they make love to their wife's paternal or maternal grandmothers or her great-grandmothers.

When a Muslim woman begins to menstruate while having sex, the man must immediately withdraw. If he can't and ejaculates instead, the fellow must, per the law, donate money to the poor. If he can’t afford this, then something, however little, must be given to a beggar on the streets. Should this not be possible, the man then must, as a last resort, beg for God's forgiveness.

Marriage contracts commonly guarantee a wife's virginity in the Middle East. If the woman turns out not to be a virgin as promised, the husband may have their marriage annulled.

A Muslim husband is in serious trouble if he's incapable of making love to his wife. Under these circumstances, she's allowed by law to have the marriage annulled, and the husband is required to pay her damages (one-half of the dowry as spelled out in the marriage contract).

A married Muslim woman who is caught committing adultery must be sternly repudiated by her husband. After the husband finally divorces the unfaithful woman, however, he must pay her the full amount of her dowry.

No Muslim wife may refuse or even ignore her husband's sexual advances. Any woman who does is to be judged guilty and can't get food, clothing, and a place to live from him. Nor can such a woman ask her husband to have sex with her in the future. However, should they divorce, he must pay her damages that constitute part or all of her dowry.

In recent decades, China has indoctrinated its citizens to ignore their sexual interests. Transgressors are severely chastised. Is prostitution punished? Yes! And with heavy penalties. Nevertheless, officially speaking, there are no laws against prostitution anywhere in Red China. Why? Because, according to a member of the Communist Chinese Foreign Ministry in Beijing, "There is no prostitution in China. However, we do have some women who make love for money."

Bestiality laws in Bangkok, Thailand? There are none. Any man who "forcibly subdues and has sexual intercourse" with a female dog is merely charged with Cruelty to animals." The culprit is fined a small amount of money. If the female dog happens to be in heat, the fine is slightly higher.

In Maine, it's illegal to catch lobsters with your bare hands.

In Louisiana, it's against the law to gargle in public.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

It is illegal to a wake a bear for the purpose of photography in Alaska.

In Hawaii, one is legally prohibited from putting coins in one's ears.

In New Orleans, Louisiana, fire trucks are legally required to stop at all red lights.

A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.

In Alabama, it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in a church.

In North Carolina, it is illegal to sing off key.

In California, it's illegal to eat oranges in a bathtub.

In Oregon, it is against the law to use canned corn as bait for fishing.

In Logan County, Colorado, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she sleeps.

Monkeys are forbidden from smoke cigarettes in South Bend, Indiana.

In the state of Indiana, liquor stores may not sell milk.

In North Carolina, elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.

A Virginia law requires all bathtubs to be kept out in the yards, not inside the houses.

It is illegal to ride a streetcar on Sunday if have been eating garlic in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

In the country of Turkey, in the 16th and 17th centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death.

Before the enactment of the 1978 law that made it mandatory for dog owners in New York City to clean up after their pets, approximately 40 million pounds of dog excrement were deposited on the streets every year.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tollbooth.

Louisiana law prohibits couples who are shopping for a new bed from putting it to the "ultimate test"-- in other words, from trying it out by making love on it, or even simulating this activity.

In Kentucky, by law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

In Kentucky, it is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

In Louisiana, it is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.

In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

In Massachusetts, mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.

In Massachusetts, snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

In Massachusetts, an old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Texas, sixteen-year old divorced girls are prohibited from talking about sex during high school extracurricular activities.

In Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

In Florida, if an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

In Florida, it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

In Florida, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

In Indiana, bathing is prohibited during the winter.

In Indiana citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic.

In Massachusetts, taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions or sardines.

In Ames, Iowa, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

A Helena, Montana, law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Bikini car washes (where women wash cars topless) are prohibited in most states, but the fine is only $50 per incident, so places charge an extra $50 to recoup their legal costs.

Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

North Carolina forbids sex outside of marriage, or "fornication," but the girlfriend as well as the man would have to be prosecuted.

Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.

Belgium is the only country that has never imposed censorship for adult films.

Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.

Chewing gum is outlawed in Singapore because it is a means of "tainting an environment free of dirt."

In Texas it's legal for a chicken to have sex with you, but it's illegal to reciprocate.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.

In Winnipeg, it is against the law to go naked in your own home if you leave the blinds up.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

During the time of Peter the Great, any Russian man who wore a beard was required to pay a special tax.

Every citizen of Kentucky is required by law to take a bath once a year.

Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.

Hailed as a wonder drug in the late nineteenth century, cocaine was outlawed in the United States in 1914.

Impotence is grounds for divorce in twenty-four states in the United States.

In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.

In Alaska it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an airplane or any other flying vehicle.

In ancient times, any Japanese who tried to leave his homeland was summarily put to death. In the 1630s, a decree in Japan forbade the building of any large ocean-worthy ships to deter defection.

In Atlanta, Georgia, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

In Canada, if a debt is higher than 25 cents, it is illegal to pay it with pennies.

In Hazelton, Pennsylvania, there is a law on the books that prohibits a person from sipping a carbonated drink while lecturing students in a school auditorium.

In Idaho, a citizen is forbidden by law to give another citizen a box of candy that weighs more than 50 pounds.

In Milan, Italy there is a law on the books that requires a smile on the face of all citizens at all times. Exemptions include time spent visiting patients in hospitals or attending funerals. Otherwise the fine is $100 if they are seen in public without a smile on their face.

In most American states a wedding ring is exempt by law from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate. This means that a wedding ring cannot be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

In New York State it is still illegal to shoot a rabbit from a moving trolley car.

In Pakistan, it is rude to show the soles of your feet or point a foot when you are sitting on the floor.

In Paraguay, dueling is legal provided both parties are registered blood donors.

In Pennsylvania, ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk.

In San Salvador drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

In seventeenth-century Japan, no citizen was allowed to leave the country on penalty of death. Anyone caught coming or going without permission was executed on the spot.

In Somalia, Africa, it's been decreed illegal to carry old chewing gum stuck on the tip of your nose.

In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup.

In Eureka, Nevada men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women.

In Omaha, Nebraska, if a child burps during a church service his/her parents may be arrested.

In Montana, it is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.

In Waterville, Maine, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

In Gary, Indiana, it is illegal to attend the theatre within four hours of eating garlic.

In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

In Arkansas, a man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

In Chicago, Illinois, it is illegal to fish in pajamas.

In Chicago, people who are diseased, maimed, mutilated, or "otherwise an unsightly or disgusting object" are banned from going out in public.

In Chicago it is also illegal to take a French poodle to the opera, and for women over 200 pounds to ride horses in shorts.

In Miami, Florida it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.

In Sarasota, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.

In Utah, the husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.

In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

In Wisconsin, it is illegal to cut a woman's hair or to kiss on a train.

In Mesquite, Texas it is illegal for kids to have unusual haircuts.

In Oklahoma, people who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and jailed.

In Cleveland, Ohio, women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

In Asheville, North Carolina, it is illegal to sneeze on city streets.

Hornytown, North Carolina has banned all massage parlors.

In Alabama it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.

In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

In Connecticut you are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

In Florida, women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

Alfalfa Bill Murray was a legendary legislator in Oklahoma around the turn of the century who became speaker of the house and governor. He was also a tall fellow, and nothing ticked him off more than going into a hotel and having short sheets on the bed. In 1908 he had a law passed that required all hotels in the Sooner state to have sheets that covered the bed and had three extra feet of linen to cover the head and feet. The so-called "Nine Foot Sheet" stayed on the books for several decades, until after Alfalfa went to his last resting place.

Georgia officials were revising their state laws in 1981, and noticed they still allowed pensions for Confederate widows. That week the last widow died. Lawmakers bowed their heads, and deleted the law.

In Washington state it's illegal for a candidate to buy anyone a drink on Election Day.

An old Virginia law was titled, "An Act to Prevent Corrupt Practices or Bribery by Any Person Other Than a Candidate."

In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down.

A Utah legislator proposed a resolution urging that each TV weather person be required to provide an ice cream cone to every member of the state House of Representatives whenever the forecast was wrong. The resolution failed, perhaps on First Amendment grounds.

In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.

An Arkansas legislator not long ago proposed that the state provide growth hormones to dwarfs.

In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump.

If the Rushville, Ill., city council doesn't have a quorum, those sent can have the cops go out and arrest absent members and bring them to the meeting.

A law passed in the '50s by officials of Avignon, France, made it illegal for any flying saucer to land in the city.

A federal law makes it illegal to "utter" a false or counterfeit money order.

Each year, the mayor of Danville, Ky., must appoint "three intelligent housekeepers" to the Board of Tax Supervisors.

An old federal law made it illegal to import tiny sponges, smaller than four inches in diameter.

Call a Vermont court a "kangaroo court" or some similar moniker, and you might be looking at a $200 fine. It is illegal to defame a court.

The federal Employee Retirement Income Security Act defines an employee as "any individual employed by an employer."

Due to a typographical error, a routine ordinance in Shelbyville, Ind., about charging for bad checks started out: "Whereas, the city of Shelbyville through its various governmental fascists receives numerous checks..." This was changed to "governmental facets."

Redford Township, Mi., has a "Downspout Appeal Board."

An ordinance proposed in Robbins, N.C., states, "In the future, anyone not living within the immediate vicinity of Robbins must have a permit from the Chief of Police and okayed by the Mayor or one of the Commissioners." It's not clear what the permit is for, but they may be on to something.

North Carolina just passed a law saying a political action committee, or PAC, has to have a name that describes the group's cause or purpose. The idea is to prohibit, say, the highway or tobacco lobbies from calling themselves "Citizens for Good Government."

Under a recent change in federal law, garment workers can now make mittens at home.

A Minnesota tax form is quite thorough. Some would say too thorough. It even asks for your date of death.

Under the law of the state of Washington, any restroom with pay toilets has to have an equal number of free toilets. This law came to pass after the speaker of the state House of Representatives raced to an all-pay facility without a dime.

It is illegal to loiter in the city morgue in Detroit.

A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.

Baltimore has regulations governing the disposal of hog's heads, pet droppings and oyster shells.

In Baltimore it's illegal to block the sidewalk with a box. But the offense only carries a $1 fine. Another law makes it illegal to throw bale of hay (or of anything else) out a second-story window. That gets you a $20 fine.

To cut down on its once-horrific graffiti problem, New York City several years ago made it illegal to carry an open can of spray paint.

In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.

In San Antonio, Texas, you can't honk a horn, run a generator, have a revival meeting or do anything else that disturbs the neighborhood and the city has a four-member noise police squad to enforce the law.

In North Carolina it's illegal to sell cotton lint at night. It's also legal to sell cottonseed at night.

A city council member in Albuquerque, N.M., introduced a resolution a few years ago to ban Santa Claus from the city. The matter was defeated.

If you've got a gal in Kalamazoo, better whisper sweet nothings to her. An old law forbade swains from serenading their sweeties from outside the window.

It's illegal in New York to start any kind of public performance, show, play, game or what have you, until after 1:05 p.m.

In New York it's unlawful for any person to do any thing that is against the law.

New York drivers are known to be crazy, but so are pedestrians in the Empire State. The law may be part of the problem. Jaywalking is legal, as long as it's not diagonal. That is, you can cross the street out of the crosswalk, but you can't cross a street diagonally.

A Boston mayor who disliked dancing and liked to retire early once banned midnight dancing in the Hub City.

In Boston it's illegal to post an advertisement on a public urinal. It's also against the law to hang a vending machine on a utility pole.

Under an 1872 law still on the books, an alderman in Chicago can carry a gun.

In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street.

In Boston, it's illegal to cut firewood in the street, or shoot a bow and arrow in the street.

In New York City, it's illegal to throw swill into the street.

San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."

San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.

Members of nine New York Indian tribes are exempt from the city's eight percent parking tax.

In a law that predates returnable bottles and cans, it's illegal in Boston to rummage through rubbish containers.

In Danville, Ky., it's illegal to throw slops or soapsuds in the street.

New York City may be the theater capital of the country, but it's illegal to have a puppet show in your window and a violation can land you in the snoozer for 30 days.

In Forest City, N.C., it's illegal to bring a pea-shooter to a parade. It's also illegal to shoot paper clips with rubber bands.

Take some elocution lessons if you're going to Joliet, Ill., where it's against the law to mispronounce the city's name. Offenders can be fined up to $500.

In Salem, Oregon, it's illegal for patrons of establishments that feature nude dancing to be within two feet of the dancers.

"Dwarf-tossing," the strange practice of hurling dwarfs in padded suits, is outlawed in the bars of Springfield, Ill., because it's dangerous and exploitative. The practice is apparently allowed elsewhere in town, with a special permit.

In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to "spit, expectorate or deposit any sputum, saliva or any form of saliva or sputum."

Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.

In Oxford, Miss., it's illegal to "create unnecessary noises."

Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn.

In Provincetown, Mass., it's illegal to sell suntan oil until after noon on Sunday.

In Boston it's against the law to keep manure in a building unless the building is being used as a stable. If it is, you can keep up to two cords of manure. If you're overstocked, you need a permit to move the stuff. And you can't leave it in the street.

Perhaps anticipating telemarketing, the town fathers of Albany, Va., have for years prohibited peddlers from using the telephone to either sell things or raise funds.

Communism has been against the law in Haines City, La., since 1950.

Under an 1889 law, the health officer of East Jordan, Mich., could send any nonresident with an infectious disease back to where he came from, as long as the person could travel. If not, the officer could rent a house for use as a pest house.

In the hippy-dippy late '60s, Youngstown, Ohio, briefly had a law making it illegal to walk barefoot through town.

The people in Manteno, Ill., do not want used facial tissue, period. Hence, you cannot "throw, drop or place" a used hankie "upon any public way or public place or upon the floor of any convenience or upon the floor of any theater, hall or assembly or public building or upon the surface or any lot or parcel of ground or on the roof on any building or in any light or air shaft, court or areaway."

In Minoola, Ill., it's illegal to take your clothes off and "expose the naked person" during daylight or twilight, even if all you're doing is taking a bath.

By town law the sewer service charge in Belhaven, N.C., used to be "$2 per month, per stool." It was recently changed to read "per toilet."

Funeral jargon seems to have crept into the wording of a cemetery fee regulation in Norton, Ohio. There regular plots are $33, but "creamies" are $75.

The good people of Tryon, N.C., are serious about getting a good night's sleep. It's against the law for anyone to keep "fowl that shall cackle," or for anyone to play the piccolo between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7:30 a.m.

As in many towns, you need a permit to run a barbershop in Christiansburg, Va. But the wording of the town's law indicates that the permit will be revoked if you're caught operating without a permit.

In Christiansburg, Va., it's illegal to imitate a police whistle.

Gypsies should steer clear of Caroline County, Md., where it's a $100 fine or six months in the can for "forecasting or pretending to foretell the future."

In Xenia, Ohio, it's illegal to spit in a salad bar.

Strangers in Simsbury, Conn., were required, under an ordinance enacted in 1701 and only recently repealed, to leave town within a month unless they had at least 20 shillings to their names.

Under an old law in Marblehead, Mass., it was illegal to cross the street on Sunday, unless absolutely necessary.

It sounds like the title of a rock album or something, but "Coasting on Beaver Street" is illegal in Edgeworth, Pa.

In Robbins, N.C., anyone who refuses to black out after hearing the blackout signal is subject to a $5 fine.

An ordinance in Murray, Ky., says the superintendent of sanitation "shall determine whether a person is small, medium or large." Why the superintendent should make this determination is left unsaid.

By law, "watch stuffers" are unwelcome in McKeesport, Pa. Now, no one is quite sure what a watch stuffer does, but whatever he does, he better do it somewhere else.

It used to be against the law in Jonesboro, Ga., to utter the words, "Oh boy."

Miami Shores Village, Fla., has for years required that all goods made in Communist countries and offered for sale in Miami Shores Village be clearly marked as such. The ordinance notes that such goods are often marked in a "false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins."

In Rockwell, N.C., anyone who violates the terms of a proclamation--such as failing to appropriately celebrate Peanut Day or Jaycees Week--is guilty of a misdemeanor.

A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms.

In Jonesboro, Tenn., a slingshot used to be classified by law as a deadly weapon.

A Washington state law offers the presumption that youngsters will read comic books.

Under the Code of 1650 in the New Haven Colony (in what is now Connecticut), a 16-year-old boy could be put to death if he "cursed, struck or disobeyed" his parents or was "stubborn or rebellious."

Wisconsin law provides for a fine of $2 to $20 for anyone under age 17 caught jumping onto a railroad car while the train is in motion.

In a case of wishful thinking, a Delaware legislator recently proposed a law that would require every minor to inform his or her parents before engaging in sexual intercourse.

It used to be the law in Hawaii that children had to obey all "lawful and moral" commands of their parents.

In Olympia, Wash., minors are prohibited from frequenting pool halls.

In Washington state it's illegal to sell to minors comics that might incite them to violence or depraved or immoral acts.

A Wisconsin legislator recently introduced a bill making it illegal to tattoo someone under the age of 18. He was quoted as saying, "I'm going to save the buttocks of a few juveniles."

In Mesquite, Texas, it's still against regulations for youngsters to have haircuts that are "startling or unusual."

In Washington it's illegal to pretend you're the child of a rich person and entitled to his estate.

Wyoming required that every inmate of the state's training school for girls be issued crinoline bloomers.

Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla.

In North Carolina it's illegal to dig ginseng on other people's property between the months of April and September, according to an 1866 law.

If you happen to own a marl bed in North Carolina, the law demands that you put a fence around it. A marl bed may not be what you think. It is a kind of rock quarry.

Apparently with an exaggerated idea of the laws of thermal dynamics, the city council of West Palm Beach, Fla., once decreed that the roofs of all outhouses be fireproof.

In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.

An old law in Columbus, Ga., made it illegal to sit on your porch in an indecent position.

In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.

A Kennesaw, Ga. law makes it illegal for every homeowner not to own a gun, unless you are a convicted felon, conscientious objector or disabled.

In Ballwin, Mo., the only place you can use vulgar, obscene or indecent language is in your home.

In Washington state it's illegal to sleep in an outhouse without the owner's permission.

In New York City it's illegal to shake a dust mop out a window.

In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."

In Washington state, until quite recently, you could have been fined up to $500 for removing or defacing the label on a pillow.

Because people were using them for cheap furniture, it's now illegal in North Carolina to take and sell labeled milk crates.

Taxpayers of Bainbridge, Ind., used to have to swear a solemn oath that the values they placed on their taxable property were the fair market values.

In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence. The resident had to fix it if he broke it.

In Hawaii it's illegal for a shooting gallery to offer liquor as a prize. The shooter might want to come back after drinking the prize and try again.

In Baltimore it's illegal to play professional croquet before 2 p.m. Sunday. The law also applies to professional quoits.

Both Massachusetts and New Hampshire had old laws that penalized gamblers who lost money. You'd get fined in Massachusetts if you had any money left. In New Hampshire you are prohibited from pawning the clothes off your back to pay off gambling debts.

In the state of Washington it's illegal to catch a fish by throwing a rock at it.

In recent years, several efforts have been made to legalize camel racing and ostrich racing in New Mexico, but to no avail. Those bills were defeated, but the legislature recently allowed gambling on bicycle races.

Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.

Under Delaware law, any person of good moral character may keep and operate a bowling alley. No gambling, however, is allowed.

Riverboat gamblers in Iowa have a $5 maximum bet.

In Las Vegas you can bet on any team--except The University of Nevada at Las Vegas.

It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut.

Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association."

The state of Washington doesn't allow marathon dancing--or marathon skipping, sliding, gliding, rolling or crawling.

San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.

Washington state doesn't allow fake wrestling.

In Maryland, the legislature once proposed a board of parachute examiners to be made up of five licensed parachute instructors who would test and license all other parachute instructors. The plan had been abandoned when it was learned there were only three licensed parachute instructors in the state.

In North Dakota, charitable groups can hold stud poker games to raise money, but only twice a year.

In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.

In Indiana a sports agent is supposed to give a college 10 days notice before luring a star athlete into the professional ranks.

In Idaho, it's illegal to hunt from the back of an animal.

In Iowa, it is illegal to hunt from an aircraft.

It's against the law in Fairbanks, Alaska to give a moose a beer.

The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala.

In Mooresville, N.C., it's illegal to attach anything to a pool table.

It's illegal to clean salmon along Maine's upper Kennebec River. Enforcement of this law has been made easier for many years by the fact that, because of a dam, there are no salmon on the upper Kennebec River.

An old Washington law sent duelists to jail for ten years, assuming they didn't lose the duel.

The New York State Senate passed a resolution to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the Brooklyn Dodgers' 1955 world championship and expressed a longing that someday the Dodgers will return to "their one and only true home."

A proposed Washington law protects sports referees from civil suit unless their actions were "willful, wanton, reckless, malicious or grossly negligent."

Punching an official at a youth sports program in Nashville, N.C., incurs a three-year suspension from the program for adult spectators as well as participants.

A minister in Pennsylvania is not supposed to perform a marriage ceremony if either the bride or the groom is drunk.

In Kentucky, according to an old law, it's illegal to use any kind of reptile in a religious service. It's not certain if the law would withstand First Amendment scrutiny today.

If you went to church in Texas years back, you'd better be recognized. An old law made it illegal to go to church in disguise.

It used to be a $200 fine in Vermont to deny the "existence or being of God."

It's illegal in Nevada to have a "house of ill fame" within 400 yards of a church or school.

A recent proposal that ministers walk the beat with police officers in Belmont, N.C., notes "the ministers will carry a Bible instead of a gun."

It's against a Key West, Fla., ordinance to spit on a church floor.

Idaho and other states allow members of the Native American church to use the hallucinogenic plant peyote in religious services.

It's unlawful to attract a crowd in Forest City, N.C., except when aching the Gospel, politicking or "serenading on occasion of public rejoicing."

In Spokane, Wash., it used to be illegal to interrupt a religious meeting by having a horse race.

If the honey you are eating in Seattle is a blend of honey from or more types of flowers, it's illegal for the honey to be labeled as having come from one type of flower.

It's not clear what this has done to the bar business, but a law in Chicago, Ill., makes it illegal to serve liquor to the feeble-minded.

It's against the law in Vermont for vagrants to procure food by force. Apparently if you have a good job and stable home life, it's O.K. to procure food by force.

That the folks in Louisiana take their food seriously is beyond question. It is against state law to steal even a single crawfish.

If you've ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you'll see the kings and queens on the various floats throwing plastic money, medallions and jewels to the crowd, but not food. It's against the law to throw food from a float in the Mardi Gras festivities.

It's legal to walk down the street with a drink in New Orleans, even to drive with a drink. But if you fall over and block the sidewalk, you've just broken the law.

It used to be legal in Minnesota to sell rolled candy on Sunday, and illegal to sell flat candy. The wafer people have gotten this one repealed.

As in most dairy states, Vermont does what it can to discourage the use of margarine. For example, it's illegal to use colored margarine in restaurants unless the menu indicates you do--in letters two inches high. Colored margarine can only be served in triangle shaped patties.

Georgia has 75 laws on how to build rice paddies, even though the state has only one rice farm left. Rice was the state's No. 1 crop before the Civil War. But right after the war, a hurricane destroyed all the paddies and ponds. It was too expensive to replace them without slaves, so the Rice State began growing peaches, peanuts and other crops.

It used to be against the law to go to the theater in Gary, Ind., after eating garlic.

An old law in Waterloo, Neb., discouraged barbers from eating onions on the job.

You may deserve a break today, but you won't get it in Bloomfield, Conn., if you can't wait to get home from your local fast food emporium: It's against the law to eat in your car.

It's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket in Lexington, Kentucky.

Tomatoes are actually a fruit, but legally speaking, they're a vegetable. Ruling in an 1893 tariff case, the U.S. Supreme Court said that because tomatoes are normally eaten during a meal and not afterward, they are legally vegetables.

One of the early Occupational Safety and Health Act laws in effect prohibited the use of ice in drinking water. It's been repealed.

The Iowa Legislature once passed a resolution ordering the state cafeteria to start serving cornbread.

In Wisconsin you need a cheesemaker's license to make any kind of cheese, except Limburger. To make Limburger, you need a master cheesemaker's license.

Many states have had whacky liquor regulations. In Nevada until the 1960s it was illegal to sell liquor at religious camp meetings, within a half-mile of the state prison, in the State Capitol Building or to imbeciles.

Also, saloonkeepers had to post the names of habitual drunkards if so requested by the local sheriff or members of the imbibers' immediate families.

California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.

Minnesota has repealed its so-called "Twinkie" law, under which a Minneapolis City Council candidate was indicted for dispensing $34 worth of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, cookies, Kool-Aid and coffee to some senior citizens.

Montana just legalized the production of caviar.

In New York City you need a permit to transport carbonated beverages.

New York and a handful of other states require that toilets be evenly divided among men and women in public theaters or arenas.

The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.

It's illegal in Florida for an unmarried man and woman to live together in "open and gross lewdness." Connecticut once had a similar law, but only the woman was penalized.

You need a license to sell condoms in Washington state.

In the old days in Nevada a man caught beating his wife was tied to a stake for eight hours a day with a sign that read, "Wife Beater" fastened to his chest.

In South Carolina, wife beaters weren't allowed to hold public office.

An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.

Vietnam veterans may remember that a Vietnamese lawmaker proposed the country should ban the practice of women wearing "falsies."

A Wisconsin legislator in the 1970s proposed a law providing that no woman over 21 be required to divulge her age. If age information were required by law, women could use an alphabetic code: women in their ‘20s would use A, women in their ‘30s B, and so on.

A Maryland law outlaws "female sitters, also known as shills," women paid by owners to sit in their bars and encourage male patrons to buy drinks.

In Missouri, male legislators once introduced a resolution urging their female colleagues to strap snub-nosed, 38-caliber revolvers to their ankles.

In Hawaii a husband or wife who deserted a spouse and failed to reconcile could be given a month of hard labor. Second offense was a year of hard labor.

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