Kevin J. Begley

Attorney at Law


"Justice, the guardian of liberty"

Kevin J. Begley
Attorney at Law
3010 Bordentown Avenue
Suite 100
Parlin, NJ 08859
TEL: 732-525-8200
FAX: 732-525-8120




LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."

MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."

LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.

MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.

LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around

MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

Q - How many animals can you fit in a pair of panty ho's?

A - 1-Beaver, 2-Calves, 1-Ass, & thousands of tiny CRABS!

The Differences between a good girl and a bad girl.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls wax their floors.

Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.

Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls wear white cotton panties.

Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.

Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use it.

Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls pack their toothbrush.

Bad girls pack their diaphragms.

Goodgirls wear high heels to work.

Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.

Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.

Good girls prefer the missionary position.

Bad girls do too, but only for starters.

Good girls say 'no'.

Bad girls say 'when?'

What a Woman Says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon,

You and I need to clean up.

Your stuff is lying on the floor,

and if we don't do laundry right now

you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON

blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I

blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR

blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.


Whistle through its pecker.


He heard the chicken was a slut.


They don't have time.


They won't stop and ask for directions.


Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.


Because they don't have the penises to keep them in.


They are intended for children, but the men usually end up playing with them.


It's sex with someone they love.


So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.


You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.


Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only to catch him

sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in

preparation of sex with his wife.

Johnny’s father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if

to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin dad?”

His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”

To which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna do, fuck him?”


Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her

clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, “Johnny, this is where you come from.”

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny.”

Why?” one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”


A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers,

holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.

The Salesman says, “Little boy, is your mother home?”

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, “What the fuck do you think?”

Little Joey was in class and the teacher was giving a
vocabulary lesson. The word of the day was
"indefinitely." She asked if any of the children could
use it in a sentence. Joey's hand shot straight up, but
she chose another student: - "Indefinitely. The clouds
stretched indefinitely across the sky." - "Very good,"
Veronica. "How about another, Timmy?" - "I waited on
line for the bus indefinitely" - "Another excellent
example. Thank you." Joey was really going crazy and
finally the teacher decided to call on him, he seemed
so much to want to contribute. - "By the way my balls
banged against her buttocks I knew I was in definitely."

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green." Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown. "Little Johnny
from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?
"The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."

> > > > >

> > > > > Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in >arithmetic.

> > > > > “Why?” asks the father.

> > > > > “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2x3?’ I said ‘6’”

> > > > > “But that’s right!”

> > > > > “Then she asked me ‘How much is 3x2?’”

> > > > > “What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.

> > > > > “That’s what I said!” replied Little Johhny

> > > > >

> > > > > Multi-syllable Word:

> > > > > Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we >are > > > going > > > > to > > > > > learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example >of >a > > > > > multi-syllable word?’ Little Johnny waves his hand, ‘Me, Miss >Rogers, > > > me, > > > > > me!’

Miss Rogers: All right, little Johnny, what is your > > multi-syllable > > > > > word?’

Little Johnny says,’Mas-tur-bate.’

Miss Rogers smiles and > > says, > > > > > ‘Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.’

Little Johnny says, ‘No, > > Miss > > > > > Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

> > > > >

> > > > > Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can > > > little > > > > > girls have babies?”

“No,” said his Mom, “of course not.”

Little > > Johnny > > > > > then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, > > “It’s

> > > > > okay, we can play that game again!”

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Going To The Bathroom:

> > > > > Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he > > > needed > > > > to > > > > > go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a > > piss!”

> > > > The > > > > > teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use >in > > > this > > > > > situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please >use > > > the > > > > > word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to >go.”

> > > > Little > > > > > Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight too, but if >you > > > had > > > > > bigger tits, you’d be a ten!”


Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as Pokernight 3.0, Beerbash 2.5, and Pubnight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they worked well before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired plug-ins such as MotherinLaw 55.8 and BrotherinLaw Beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button

2. Minimize button

3. An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfreind 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must first uninstall Girlfriend 1.0. Other users say this is long standing bug which I should be aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another annoying problem - all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying message about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.


Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before executing a self-uninstallation. Mistress 1.1 will then refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.


To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may select Wife 1.0.

A Boy and his Date

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

Why is a beer better than a woman?

You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.

A guy goes into a bar sits down and asks the bartender
to line up ten shots of crown royal.

The bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?"

"It's not so happy," the guy replies, "I just found out my older son is gay.

"Sorry about that," the bartender replies.

A month later the same guy goes to the bar and asks the bartender to line up
20 shots of Crown Royal.

The bartender says "I hope it's a happy occasion this time."

"Not really," the guy replies, "I just found out my other son is gay." With
that he drinks the shots and leaves.

Six months later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the bartender to
give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots.

The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question, "Doesn't anybody
like pussy in your house?"

The guy replies "Yes, my wife does."

Why Studying is Better Than Sex

You can usually find someone to do it with.

If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where
you left off.

You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who got there

A little coffee and you can do it all night.

If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a

You don't get embarrassed if your parents catch you.

If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes silence.

Q. Why is a fat woman like a moped?
A. They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your
friends to see you on either.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who's been there
before you.

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the night
with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning,he told
her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have
his scretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office, he regretted
what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and
enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I
rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely
too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As
he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are
both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
replies, "if your hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."


10. I think that Michael Bolton is one cool mother.
9. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on 'Murder, She Wrote' sure gives me a woody.
4. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I can hold your purse.
3. Screw Monday Night Football! Let's watch 'Ally McBeal'.
2. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
1. I think her breasts are just way too big.

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family
member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student,
and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband
gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,
rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A man is visiting his wife in a hospital where she has
been in a coma for several years. On this visit he
decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs
out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign
and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to
see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs
her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says
this is amazing and is a real break-through. The doctor
then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex,
saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and
he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes
in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a
sheet. He tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor
asks what happened, to which the man replies,
"She choked."

Horny Pills

Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and
her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle
of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be

The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee
that evening. That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they
really got it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire
bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.
The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how
she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant;
my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn
yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when
Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see
the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him,
we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in
front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and
saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me,
young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well,
they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest,
Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey
continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be
a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part,
Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there
any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think
there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start
laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed
a penguin!"

A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone
by a bus stop. "Hello, I must say, you are about the
most beautiful woman I have ever met." "Thank you very
much, replied the woman." The guy quickly follows up,
"I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million
dollars?" "A million dollars!" the girl responds. She
thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep
with you for a million dollars." "How about five bucks?
" responds the guy. "Five Bucks!, What kind of woman do
you think I am?" "We've already determined that," he
replies. "Now we're just haggling over money."

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and
a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's
two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are
going to put me to sleep." The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's
shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep." The Great Dane said
"My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out
of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

Whats the difference between an airship and 365 blowjobs?
One is a Goodyear, the other is an excellent year.

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it? "The man looks at her and says,

Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table. Dr Donovan placed
his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he asked."Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer."Donovan then began caressing her stomach. "Of course," he continued, "you know what I'm doing.""Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix."By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her. "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped. "Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . . . and that's what I came here for."

A little girl approaches her mother and asks, "Mommy,
how do you get babies?" "Well sweetheart," replies the
mother, "the Daddy takes his penis and puts it into the
Mommy's vagina." "Oh, okay," says the little girl. "But
last night I walked by your bedroom and you had Daddy's
penis in your mouth." "That's how you get jewelry,"
says the mother.

Four Types of Sex

There are four kinds of sex:

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over
the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you
only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you
just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the
divorce court in front of many people and take every fucking
penny you've got.

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into
a discussion about who enjoyed sex more. The man said,
"Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you
think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this -- when your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it, wiggle it around and then
pull it out, which feels better -- your ear or your

The Beer Nut Joke

A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer
nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned
his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.
Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out.
All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked
outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked,
where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the
hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend
then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend then
stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father
blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father,
our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be
when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers,
our son-in-law.

Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident. Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap. Jim gets pissed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down there."

God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell.
The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, Chris, he
went to the store." "Well, do you mind if I wait?" "No,
come on in."

They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you
have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you
a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks
about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a
hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and
shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a
hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are
just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give
you another hundred if I could just see them both

Sara says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a
nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred
bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for
Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know,
your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this
for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks
he owes me?"

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300%

The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he
burned his tongue and broke his finger!"

Law Jokes
Clean Jokes
Not So Clean Jokes
Dirty Jokes
Blond Jokes
Aviation Humor
Did You Know...
Weird but true
Medical Humor
PC & Tech Humor
Strange Laws