DIRTY HUMOR. . .
LUST vs. MARRIAGE
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was
to have kids.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't
MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's
LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with
mirrors all around
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
Q - How many animals can you fit in a pair of panty
A - 1-Beaver, 2-Calves, 1-Ass, & thousands of
The Differences between a good girl and a bad girl.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without
a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just
a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarley use
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Goodgirls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?'
What a Woman Says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
and if we don't do laundry right now
you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man Hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.
WHAT CAN A BIRD DO THAT A MAN CAN'T?
Whistle through its pecker.
WHY DID THE MAN CROSS THE ROAD?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
They don't have time.
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE
They won't stop and ask for directions.
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
Because they don't have the penises to keep them
WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
They are intended for children, but the men usually
end up playing with them.
WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
It's sex with someone they love.
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
WHY DID GOD MAKE MAN BEFORE WOMAN?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES…
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom
one day only to catch him
sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom
onto his penis in
preparation of sex with his wife.
Johnny’s father in attempt to hide his full
erection with a condom on it bent over as if
to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw
a rat go underneath the bed.”
To which Little Johnny replied “What ya gonna
do, fuck him?”
LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE VAGINA:
Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her
son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her
clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, “Johnny,
this is where you come from.”
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting
that all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny.”
Why?” one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said,
“Because I came this close to being a turd.”
LITTLE JOHNNY, THE SMART ASS:
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old
Little Johnny answers,
holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar.
The Salesman says, “Little boy, is your mother
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says,
“What the fuck do you think?”
Little Joey was in class and the teacher was giving
vocabulary lesson. The word of the day was
"indefinitely." She asked if any of the children could
use it in a sentence. Joey's hand shot straight up, but
she chose another student: - "Indefinitely. The clouds
stretched indefinitely across the sky." - "Very good,"
Veronica. "How about another, Timmy?" - "I waited
line for the bus indefinitely" - "Another excellent
example. Thank you." Joey was really going crazy and
finally the teacher decided to call on him, he seemed
so much to want to contribute. - "By the way my balls
banged against her buttocks I knew I was in definitely."
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who
can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green." Sorry,
but in the autumn, the trees are brown. "Little Johnny
from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart
"The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
> > > > >
> > > > > Little Johnny returns from
school and says he got an F in >arithmetic.
> > > > > “Why?” asks
> > > > > “The teacher asked
‘How much is 2x3?’ I said ‘6’”
> > > > > “But that’s
> > > > > “Then she asked me
‘How much is 3x2?’”
> > > > > “What’s the
fucking difference?” asks the father.
> > > > > “That’s what
I said!” replied Little Johhny
> > > > >
> > > > > Multi-syllable Word:
> > > > > Little Johnny goes to school,
and the teacher says, ‘Today we >are > > > going
> > > > to > > > > > learn multi-syllable
words, class. Does anybody have an example >of >a > >
> > > multi-syllable word?’ Little Johnny waves
his hand, ‘Me, Miss >Rogers, > > > me, >
> > > > me!’
Miss Rogers: All right, little Johnny, what is your
> > multi-syllable > > > > > word?’
Little Johnny says,’Mas-tur-bate.’
Miss Rogers smiles and > > says, > >
> > > ‘Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.’
Little Johnny says, ‘No, > > Miss >
> > > > Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”
> > > > >
> > > > > Little Johnny came running
into the house and asked, “Mommy, can > > > little
> > > > > girls have babies?”
“No,” said his Mom, “of course
Little > > Johnny > > > > >
then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends,
> > “It’s
> > > > > okay, we can play that
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > Going To The Bathroom:
> > > > > Little Johnny was sitting
in class one day. All of the sudden, he > > > needed
> > > > to > > > > > go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a > > piss!”
> > > > The > > > > >
teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word
to use >in > > > this > > > > > situation.
The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please
>use > > > the > > > > > word ‘urinate’
in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to >go.”
> > > > Little > > > > >
Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight
too, but if >you > > > had > > > > >
bigger tits, you’d be a ten!”
Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0
to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little
resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that
Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming
No mention of this particular phenomena was included
in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users
have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature
of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such
that it is always launched at system initialization where it can
monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications
such as Pokernight 3.0, Beerbash 2.5, and Pubnight 7.0 are no
longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though
they worked well before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically
installs undesired plug-ins such as MotherinLaw 55.8 and BrotherinLaw
Beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish
with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife
1. A "Don't remind me again" button
2. Minimize button
3. An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0
to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without
the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated
with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however,
I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfreind
2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must first uninstall Girlfriend
1.0. Other users say this is long standing bug which I should
be aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts
over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed
such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall
program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable
traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem - all versions of Girlfriend
continually pop up annoying message about the advantages of upgrading
to Wife 1.0.
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to
install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MS Money files before executing a self-uninstallation.
Mistress 1.1 will then refuse to install, claiming insufficient
BUG WORKS AROUND:
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress
1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications
such as LapLink 6.0. Also beware of similar shareware applications
that have been known to carry viruses that may select Wife 1.0.
A Boy and his Date
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from
town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance
from town, when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually
a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid
her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking
out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually
a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Why is a beer better than a woman?
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
A guy goes into a bar sits down and asks the bartender
to line up ten shots of crown royal.
The bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?"
"It's not so happy," the guy replies, "I just found
out my older son is gay.
"Sorry about that," the bartender replies.
A month later the same guy goes to the bar and asks the bartender
to line up
20 shots of Crown Royal.
The bartender says "I hope it's a happy occasion this time."
"Not really," the guy replies, "I just found out
my other son is gay." With
that he drinks the shots and leaves.
Six months later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the
give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots.
The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question, "Doesn't
like pussy in your house?"
The guy replies "Yes, my wife does."
Why Studying is Better Than Sex
You can usually find someone to do it with.
If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where
you left off.
You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who got there
A little coffee and you can do it all night.
If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a
You don't get embarrassed if your parents catch you.
If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your
roommate for help!
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes silence.
Q. Why is a fat woman like a moped?
A. They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your
friends to see you on either.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who's been there
A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to spend the
with him for $500. And she did. Before he left in the morning,he
her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would
his scretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office,
what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth
price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and
enclosed a note:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when
rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously
occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check
for $250 with the following note:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat,
is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have
furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am,
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
replies, "if your hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A MAN WOULD EVER SAY
10. I think that Michael Bolton is one cool mother.
9. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask for directions.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on 'Murder, She Wrote' sure gives me a woody.
4. We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping so I
can hold your purse.
3. Screw Monday Night Football! Let's watch 'Ally McBeal'.
2. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
1. I think her breasts are just way too big.
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's
final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student,
and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband
gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband,
rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
A man is visiting his wife in a hospital where she has
been in a coma for several years. On this visit he
decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking
to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs
out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign
and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to
see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs
her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife.
He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says
this is amazing and is a real break-through. The doctor
then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex,
saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and
he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes
in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a
sheet. He tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor
asks what happened, to which the man replies,
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and
her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle
of pills and told her to put them in his drink and she would be
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee
that evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they
really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.
The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how
she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant;
my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the front lawn
yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when
Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip
Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to
we finally get to ask him."
The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out
front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey
saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"
The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question
to ask me,
Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well,
they have nuns in Alaska?"
The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."
The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him
Dopey, ask him the rest!"
The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey
continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"
To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must
a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."
Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the
Dopey, ask him the last part!"
The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"
To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh,
any midget black nuns in Alaska?"
The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't
there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."
At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start
laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed
A guy stops to talk to a beautiful woman standing alone
by a bus stop. "Hello, I must say, you are about the
most beautiful woman I have ever met." "Thank you very
much, replied the woman." The guy quickly follows up,
"I was wondering if you'd sleep with me for a million
dollars?" "A million dollars!" the girl responds.
thinks for a moment and answers, "Yes, I would sleep
with you for a million dollars." "How about five bucks?
" responds the guy. "Five Bucks!, What kind of woman
you think I am?" "We've already determined that,"
replies. "Now we're just haggling over money."
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German
a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating
my dinner and my owner's
two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her
throat. Now they are
going to put me to sleep." The German Shepherd said "I
chewed up my master's
shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said
"My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The
other day she came out
of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and
did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
Whats the difference between an airship and 365
One is a Goodyear, the other is an excellent year.
A man and a woman are riding next to each other
in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes
the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides
she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again.
He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about
to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang
out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She
turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and
three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe
it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man
replies, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have
a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking
for it? "The man looks at her and says,
Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining
table. Dr Donovan placed
his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't
you?" he asked."Yes," she murmured, "You're
checking for breast cancer."Donovan then began caressing
her stomach. "Of course," he continued, "you know
what I'm doing.""Yes," she smiled. "You're
checking my appendix."By now the M.D. couldn't control himself
any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to
her. "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped.
"Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . .
. and that's what I came here for."
A little girl approaches her mother and asks, "Mommy,
how do you get babies?" "Well sweetheart," replies
mother, "the Daddy takes his penis and puts it into the
Mommy's vagina." "Oh, okay," says the little girl.
last night I walked by your bedroom and you had Daddy's
penis in your mouth." "That's how you get jewelry,"
says the mother.
Four Types of Sex
There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over
the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you
only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you
just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the
divorce court in front of many people and take every fucking
penny you've got.
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got
a discussion about who enjoyed sex more. The man said,
"Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you
think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this -- when your ear itches and you put
your little finger in it, wiggle it around and then
pull it out, which feels better -- your ear or your
The Beer Nut Joke
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping
nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned
his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his
Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it
All right she said, lets get you to the hospital. As they walked
outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked,
where are you and dad going. The mother said, we're off to the
hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear. The boyfriend
then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it. The boyfriend
stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The
blew and out popped the beer nut. The mother then asked the father,
our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll
when he grows up. The father replied, by the smell of his fingers,
Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident. Jim goes
to heaven and Johnny goes to hell. One day Jim looks down at Johnny
in hell. Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.
Jim gets pissed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is
this? I think I want to go to hell. Just look at my friend down
God says, "Look closer. The beer has a hole in the bottom,
and the blonde doesn't."
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the
The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, Chris,
went to the store." "Well, do you mind if I wait?"
come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you
have the greatest breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you
a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks
about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a
hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and
shows him one. He thanks her and promptly throws a
hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are
just so beautiful! I've got to see them both. I'll give
you another hundred if I could just see them both
Sara says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a
nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another hundred
bucks on the table and says he can't wait any longer for
Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know,
your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this
for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks
he owes me?"
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her
husband is 300%
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition,
burned his tongue and broke his finger!"
Not So Clean Jokes
Did You Know...
Weird but true
PC & Tech Humor