Humor Clean Jokes Law Jokes Not So Clean Jokes Dirty Jokes Blond
Jokes Aviation Humor
Did You Know... Weird but true Medical Humor PC & Tech Humor
CLEAN HUMOR. . .
I love lawyer jokes, but some people don't, So I've
included a few pages of non-legal humor. Hope you enjoy them.
"The Full-O-Shit Fable"
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when
he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the
fact that it had been hours since his last meal,
he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried
to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not
get off the ground. As he looked around, wondering
what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the
wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped
off, thinking that once he got airborne he would
be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong.
He dropped like a rock, splattering against the floor.
The moral to the story: Never fly off the handle
when you know you're full of shit.
"Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted
pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into
the princess' lap and
said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome
prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from
you, my sweet, we can
marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with
my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear
my children, and forever
feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on
a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think
These are jokes from women bashing men, and from
men bashing women.
Well, what fun is sexism if it doesn't go both ways...
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and
go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get
7) You don't have to compliment the person who
gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes
you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always
go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
Why is a beer better than a woman?
You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers
and not feel guilty.
This past fall semester, at Yale University, there
sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and
who did pretty
well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and
labs, etc., such
that going into the final, they had a solid A. These
were so confident going into the final that the
finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday),
decided to go up to Harvard and party with some
friends up there.
So they did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they
day Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven
until early Monday
morning. Rather than taking the final then, what
they did was to
find the professor after the final and explain to
him why they
missed the final. They told him that they went up
to Cambridge for
the weekend, and had planned to come back in time
to study, but
that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't
have a spare
and couldn't get help for a long time and so were
late getting back
to campus. The prof thought this over and then agreed
could make up the final on the following day. The
two guys were
elated and relieved. So they studied that night
and went in the
next day at the time that the prof had told them.
He placed them
in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet and told
them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something
free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool"
"this is going to be easy." They did that
problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw
on the next page.
It said: '(95 points) Which tire?'
After just a few years of marriage, filled with
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the
only way to save
their marriage was to try counseling. They had been
other's throat for some time and felt that this
was their last
straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office,
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately,
the husband held
his long face down without anything to say. On the
the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing
all the wrongs
within their marriage.
After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife,
the counselor went over to her, picked her up by
kissed her passionately for several minutes, and
sat her back down.
Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in
what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband,
"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied,
"I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a
bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder
tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy".
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly
perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a
farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun,
and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens
to be her husband's
best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards,
just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is
the woman's house,
she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over
at her and listens,
only hearing he side of the conversation. She is
speaking in a cheery voice:
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful.
I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!
Thanks. Okay. Bye
bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover
asks, "Who was
that?" "Oh," she replies, "that
was my husband telling me all about
the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat.
He looks up and
notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen
plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she
is walking down
the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right
next to him,
he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks,
"Where are you
flying to today?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention
His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you
do at this meeting?"
"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve
some of the popular myths
"And what myths are those?" he continues,
choking back his excitement.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that
men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it
is the Native
American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely
that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually
it is men
of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and
"I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel
so awkward discussing this
with you when I don't even know you! What is your
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto...Tonto
A man and a woman who have never met before find
the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the
embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep,
the woman on the
top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of
the night, the
woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother
you, but I'm
awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye,
says, "I've got a
better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he
noticed a hearse,
which was followed by another hearse, followed by
a man walking
solemnly along, followed by a dog, andthen about
200 men walking
in single file.Intrigued, Dave went up to the man
second hearse and asked him who was in the first
"Mywife", the man replied. "Im sorry",
said Dave, "What happened
to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."Dave
then asked who was
in the second hearse. The man replied, "My
mother-in-law, my dog
bit her and she diedas well."Dave asked, "Can
I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line," replied the man.
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one
faced each other in a city park, until one day an
came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues,"
he announced to them,
"that I'm going to give you a special gift.
I'm going to bring
you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you
can do anything
you want." And with a clap of his hands, the
angel brought the
statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon
for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good
giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen
later, the two statues emerged from the bushes,
on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes,"
said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned
to the male
statue and said, "Great! Only this time you
hold the pigeon down
and I'll crap on it's head."
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy
is the same.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's
on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created
Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then,
neither God nor
Man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week
it took four state
troopers and a dog.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four
days." She looked at him
and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Adam is walking in the garden of Eden and has his
head down. God walks over and says "My son
you are depressed, how can I help?".
Adam looks at GOD and says" Father you have
me a beautiful world to live. Good food to eat.
Plenty of things to do. But I need a mate."
God rubs his chin and replies" My Son, Ill
give you a
woman. One that will cook for you, worship you,
make love to you all night. But I need one of your
legs to make her."
Adam thinks for a moment and says, "What can
I get for a Rib?"
How many men does it take to open a beer? None.
It should be opened
by the time she brings it.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't
like to interrupt her.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up
a woman? Because a
woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
never be able to
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they
can stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something
she starts her sentence with "A man once told
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There
is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women
won't shut up
long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first? The dog
of course. At least
he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces
so you can tell them apart.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide
from his parents, went over to their house, and
found his mother
in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the
let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have
something to tell you:
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and
the guy was
about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him,
when she turned
away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly,
doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in
The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly
around, whacked him over the head with her spoon
and said, "Don't
you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"
PERFECT DAY FOR HER:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is
from secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of
7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Stoli bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, GA.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45 Lunch 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3
12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini).
14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all
female (topless) crew.
16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249
17:00 Jet back and get massage & hand job en
route by naked Kathy Ireland.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave.
19:00 Watch CNN news flash: Clinton resigns - Hillary
and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated.
19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963)
20 oz. New York steak
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.
21:30 Sex with three women.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Bed (alone).
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart -- dog leaves room.
23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep.
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and
some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and
a brain. You'll derive from these, great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough
of a blood supply to work one at a time."
A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for
dinner. This is to be her first time
meeting the family and she is very nervous. They
all sit down and begin eating a fine
meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness
and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
making her eyes water. Left
with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself
a bit and lets out a dainty little
fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table
heard the poot. Before she even had a
chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father
looked over at the dog that had been
snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather
stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman
thought, "this is great!" and a big smile
came across her face. A couple minutes
later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father
again looked at the dog and
yelled, "damn it Ginger! "Once again the
woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few
minutes later the woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think
about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a
train whistle blowing. Again, the father
looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "damn
it Ginger, get away from her before
she shits on you!"
In the beginning was the plan…
And then came the assumptions…
And the assumptions were without form…
And the plan was completely without substance…
And the darkness was upon the face of the Employees,
So the Employees spoke amongst themselves saying,
"It's a crock of shit and it stinks."
And the Employees went unto their Supervisors, saying,
"It's a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It's a container of excrement and it is very strong such
that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It's a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide it’s
And the Directors went unto their Executive Directors,
"It contains that which aids plant growth and is very strong."
And the Executive Directors went unto the President,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the President went unto the Board of Directors,
"This new plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficiency
of the organization in these areas in particular."
And the Board of Directors looked upon the plan
and saw that it was good;
and the plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early
this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers
have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the evening.
Is it murder or suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic
Science, AAFS president, DR. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the
body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun
wound to the head. The deceased had jumped from the top of a ten-story
building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect
indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his
life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window,
which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased
was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the
eighth floor level to protect some building workers, proving that
Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the
way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, “a
person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds,
even though the mechanism might not be what he intended”
is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot
on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level,
but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful
because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel
that he had a homicide on his hands. An elderly man and his wife
occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast
emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening
her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the
trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through
the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject
A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder
of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old
man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought
the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing
habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention to murder her, Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared
to be an accident, that is the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to
the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use
the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation
that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one
of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the bizarre twist. Future investigation revealed that
the Son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent
over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mothers murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd,
only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth
story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical
examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.
(A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt)
Santa is dead…
Here are 5 reasons to expose the myth of Santa Claus:
I. There are approximately two billion children
(persons under 18) In the world. However, since Santa does not
visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions,
this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total,
or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that
comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one
good child in each.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work
with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the
earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that
for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around
1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents
under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get
back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next
house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly
distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be
false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations),
we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip
of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second ---
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the
fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a
poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run
(at best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting
element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium
sized Lego set weighing two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over
500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional
reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that
the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them
- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload,
not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or
roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship,
not the monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second
crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer
in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules
of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and
creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating
from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected
to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which
seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh
by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and
organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
The End. . . (for now)
Not So Clean Jokes
Did You Know...
Weird but true
PC & Tech Humor