Kevin J. Begley

Attorney at Law


CONSTRUCTION AND ENGINERING LAW

"Justice, the guardian of liberty"

Kevin J. Begley
Attorney at Law
3010 Bordentown Avenue
Suite 100
Parlin, NJ 08859
TEL: 732-525-8200
FAX: 732-525-8120
kb@kevinbegley.com
www.kevinbegley.com


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CLEAN HUMOR. . .

I love lawyer jokes, but some people don't, So I've included a few pages of non-legal humor. Hope you enjoy them.

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FUNNY FABLES

"The Full-O-Shit Fable"

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the

fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.

Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not

get off the ground. As he looked around, wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the

wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne he would

be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong. He dropped like a rock, splattering against the floor.

The moral to the story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

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"Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating

ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and

said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, my sweet, we can

marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever

feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she

chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't think so."

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These are jokes from women bashing men, and from men bashing women.

Well, what fun is sexism if it doesn't go both ways... Enjoy.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

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Why is a beer better than a woman?

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

A frigid beer is good.

A beer doesn't care when you come.

When a beer goes flat you can toss it.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A beer never gets a headache.

If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.

You can share a beer with a friend.

You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

You can have a beer in public.

You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

A beer doesn't get pregnant.

A beer doesn't have parents.

You can say whatever you want to a beer.

A beer doesn't care if you are late.

And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.

Tough Final

This past fall semester, at Yale University, there were two

sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty

well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such

that going into the final, they had a solid A. These two friends

were so confident going into the final that the weekend before

finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they

decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends up there.

So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all

day Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven until early Monday

morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to

find the professor after the final and explain to him why they

missed the final. They told him that they went up to Cambridge for

the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but

that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare

and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back

to campus. The prof thought this over and then agreed that they

could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were

elated and relieved. So they studied that night and went in the

next day at the time that the prof had told them. He placed them

in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told

them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about

free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought,

"this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: '(95 points) Which tire?'

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After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant

arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save

their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each

other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last

straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor

jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held

his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand,

the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs

within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife,

the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders,

kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at

what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband,

"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied,

"I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

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Bull Shit

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy".

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's

best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're

just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house,

she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens,

only hearing he side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice:

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful.

I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye

bye." She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was

that?" "Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about

the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and

notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the

plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down

the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him,

he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you

flying to today?"

She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"

"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths

about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American

men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native

American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed

that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men

of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting..." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.

"I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this

with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto...Tonto Goldstein.

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in

the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial

embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the

top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the

woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm

awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me

another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a

better idea....let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."

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One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse,

which was followed by another hearse, followed by a man walking

solemnly along, followed by a dog, andthen about 200 men walking

in single file.Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the

second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"Mywife", the man replied. "Im sorry", said Dave, "What happened

to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."Dave then asked who was

in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law, my dog

bit her and she diedas well."Dave asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"

"Get in line," replied the man.

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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,

faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel

came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,

"that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring

you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything

you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the

statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed

for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of

giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes

later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins

on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male

statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down

and I'll crap on it's head."

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What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

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Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created

Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor

Man has rested.

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My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state

troopers and a dog.

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What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive

and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him

and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

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Adam is walking in the garden of Eden and has his

head down. God walks over and says "My son I see

you are depressed, how can I help?".

Adam looks at GOD and says" Father you have givin

me a beautiful world to live. Good food to eat.

Plenty of things to do. But I need a mate."

God rubs his chin and replies" My Son, Ill give you a

woman. One that will cook for you, worship you,

make love to you all night. But I need one of your

legs to make her."

Adam thinks for a moment and says, "What can I get for a Rib?"

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How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened

by the time she brings it.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a

woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to

support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer

to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When

she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up

long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at

the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. At least

he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality

from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother

in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table,

let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you:

I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was

about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned

away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay,

doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled

around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't

you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

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PERFECT DAY FOR HER:

8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses.

8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out.

12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds.

13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

15:00 Nap.

16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.

16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.

17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror.

19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

22:00 Hot shower (alone).

22:30 Make love.

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:

6:00 Alarm.

6:15 Sex.

6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.

7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee.

7:30 Limo arrives.

7:45 Stoli bloody Mary en route to airport.

8:15 Private jet to Augusta, GA.

9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.

9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under).

11:45 Lunch 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.

12:15 Sex.

12:30 Back nine at Augusta (4 under).

14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay Martini).

14:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).

15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew.

16:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).

17:00 Jet back and get massage & hand job en route by naked Kathy Ireland.

18:45 Shit, shower and shave.

19:00 Watch CNN news flash: Clinton resigns - Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated.

19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1963) 20 oz. New York steak

21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar.

21:30 Sex with three women.

23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.

23:45 Bed (alone).

23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart -- dog leaves room.

23:55 Giggle yourself to sleep.

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God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news, what do you want to hear first?"

Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these, great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough of a blood supply to work one at a time."

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A women goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time

meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine

meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness

and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left

with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little

fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a

chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been

snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman

thought, "this is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes

later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.

She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and

yelled, "damn it Ginger! "Once again the woman smiled and thought, "yes!" A few

minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think

about it. She let rip with a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father

looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "damn it Ginger, get away from her before

she shits on you!"

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“The Plan”

In the beginning was the plan…
And then came the assumptions…
And the assumptions were without form…
And the plan was completely without substance…
And the darkness was upon the face of the Employees,
So the Employees spoke amongst themselves saying,
"It's a crock of shit and it stinks."

And the Employees went unto their Supervisors, saying,
"It's a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
"It's a container of excrement and it is very strong such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It's a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide it’s strength."

And the Directors went unto their Executive Directors, saying,
"It contains that which aids plant growth and is very strong."

And the Executive Directors went unto the President, saying,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the President went unto the Board of Directors, saying,
"This new plan will actively promote the Growth and Efficiency
of the organization in these areas in particular."

And the Board of Directors looked upon the plan and saw that it was good;
and the plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

News Flash:
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


Is it murder or suicide?

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president, DR. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The deceased had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers, proving that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended” is still defined as committing suicide. That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but that his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her, Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is the gun had been accidentally loaded. The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the bizarre twist. Future investigation revealed that the Son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mothers murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. Very tidy of him.

(A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt)

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Santa is dead…

Here are 5 reasons to expose the myth of Santa Claus:

I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) In the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set weighing two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Sorry....

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The End. . . (for now)


Law Jokes
Clean Jokes
Not So Clean Jokes
Dirty Jokes
Blond Jokes
Aviation Humor
Did You Know...
Weird but true
Medical Humor
PC & Tech Humor
Strange Laws